Yes, I Quit Tinder. So here are all the answers....to all those questions
I shut that down. Christ. I mean, CHRIST.
Spending evenings swiping over faces with one hand whilst stuffing jacket potato, beans and cheese into your mouth with the other, is not the way I want to pick the future Mr Pope.
The thing with online, people think they own you, know you, and therefore can say stuff that, well, if you told it to my actual face, I’d probably spit my coffee out.
Now I am not totally slamming internet dating - whatever tickles your pickle. It is just not my type of pickle. Especially ones where you have to swipe over another persons face.
Look, I am not innocent here, so before you start standing on your soapboxes shouting "Popey have you never sent a pic?" or "I know you'd ask a filth question" Answer is: Yup (nothing i wouldn't post on Insta though, i mean, c'mon and well, yup.
But *waves left hand about* nobody put a ring on it. And, on reflection i think it ruined my confidence more than built it up.
So, now I am out when it comes to online dating, here are the answers to all those " Tinder water cooler" questions i have been asked.
Q: What are you wearing? A: Clothes, like 99% of the human population at 6 pm on a Wednesday night. Contrary to popular belief I don’t walk around the house all day in just my best “shagging” knickers, waiting for a notification. Do you?
Q: What is your favourite animal? A: Are we at school? Since when is this now a dating icebreaker. Answer: Guinea Pig, OBVS.
Q: Do you fancy going on an adventure? A: Next…..
Q: Send me a pic A: No, I am watching Scandal on Netflix. I've just got out of the bath, with a face pack. And, yeah, fuck off.
Q: Can I send you a pic? A: I have a flow chart for this. Are you Jason Momoa or Omari Hardwick? No?
Then, no. Not interested in seeing a weird angle of your knob taken with the flash on, so it looks even more unappealing.
Q: Sorry, I accidentally sent you a pic A: You accidentally put your trousers around your ankles, breathed in and sent me your best knob shot. Yeah, Sure. Great. Thanks. Where do we go from here? Costa?!
Q: What does "a writer mean?" Does that mean you are going to write about me? A: Yup, if you are a twat and are misrepresenting actual honest and reasonable males out there.
Q: I’m horny, are you horny? A: I’m single. What do you think? But I can manage to keep my urges under control to not start with this as a conversation starter.
Q: I want to see you naked. A: I bet you do. NOT. GOING. TO. HAPPEN.
Q: I bet you are amazing in bed, what is your favourite sex position? A: Gone is the art of surprise nowadays.
Q: You are beautiful A: Thank you, I will take the compliment
Q: You're a bitch A: Thank you, I will take the compliment.... prick.
Q: Can I call you? A: No, I am a fucking millennial. We don’t pick up the phone. Whatsapp me.